1. In your experience, what percentage of marriages suffer because of the lack of sexual satisfaction?
In my private practice, I’d say about 75% of the couples I see aren’t happy with their sex lives when they start and about a third aren’t having sex at all.
2. When couples consult you about sexual problems, what are the most common complaints?
Most of the time couples say that they’ve drifted apart. Sometimes they say that sex isn’t that important. But more often deep down they really want a sexual connection and have no idea how to get the passion back. They feel too frustrated, too rushed, too hopeless to know where to start. Sometimes I hear women say that they’ve been making love their partners’ way for years and now they want more attention given to their own needs. Sometimes couples start therapy because the woman has trouble having an orgasm or the man has trouble getting an erection. In every case, building a safe, loving connection is a key part of bringing passion back into the relationship.
3. Have you worked with women who claim they have been vocal about their sexual needs only to be met with a wounded male ego – or a defensive attitude? Does age play a part? Have women felt shot down for expressing what they want?
Oh yes! That happens in several ways and with couples of all ages. Sometimes a woman asks for what she wants and her partner tries to please her but it doesn’t work right away. It doesn’t feel the way she thought it would or he doesn’t see that it’s working for her. And then they feel more hopeless and give up. As a therapist I let them know that building a quality sexual relationship takes time and I help them give each other permission to take things slowly and try anything that feels good.
Communication is also an issue. For example, sometimes women think they are asking in a neutral way but really they are frustrated or angry and their partner picks it up and gets defensive. With these couples, I help them see how their words and body language affect each other so they can change the way they talk and listen.
Sometimes no matter how the woman asks, her partner feels criticized and gets defensive. As a therapist I try to understand what’s underneath that defensiveness. Often I find that a man feels that if he doesn’t know how to please his wife or partner that it’s a reflection of his masculinity. He thinks that he *should* know and he feels inadequate. There’s always something underneath the defensiveness and I help the couple sort out what it is so they can get past it and continue the conversation.
4. Have men expressed empowerment or feeling emasculated when their mate tries to what she needs to climax?
My experience is that most men feel good when they know how to please their partner. Women often have a hard time believing it but most men want to please their mate to make her happy and that includes sexually happy. If he feels inadequate because their communication gets off track or because of his own insecurities, then he’ll pull back. He’ll get defensive or critical or just stop trying. My job is to help them get past that.
5. What are the sociological forces that contribute to sexual problems in a marriage or long-term relationship?
One of my biggest challenges as a therapist is to get couples to spend quality time together. The way we work and parent these days often doesn’t leave room for much else. By the time each long day is over, both partners are exhausted and ready for sleep. It takes quality unhurried time together to build trust, romance, and emotional connection. Men often get aroused more quickly but I believe both partners need time to feel comfortable enough to talk about sex, to play with touch.
Another challenge is that for the most part, we don’t talk openly about sex in our culture. That helps create the myth that we shouldn’t need to talk about it, that somehow great sex should just happen. In my experience, it usually doesn’t. Couples who have great sex are most often the couples that learn to be truly honest with each other about emotion and desire, to listen even when it’s uncomfortable, and to experiment until they find something that works for them. Unfortunately, there aren’t many role models for this kind of communication.
I see my job as a therapist as helping couples create a safe space and learning to be honest when it’s risky, to listen when it’s difficult and to try things with each other. These are the things that ultimately build intimacy, and emotional intimacy makes great sex.
6. Has it been your experience as a therapist, that women feel inhibited when it comes to speaking up about what they want? If so, why is that?
Sometimes women don’t know what they want. They don’t know what it would take for them to have an orgasm. But yes, many times they’ve tried asking and felt criticized. Then they shut down. They think, “He isn’t going to be responsive anyway, so why bring it up?” And sometimes couples haven’t had sex for so long that they feel awkward – they’re not sure what to say or do. They’re waiting for a signal from their partner. The trouble is that they are both waiting – so neither makes a move.
7. If you have counseled women who are not familiar with how to achieve an orgasm with or without a partner, what is your advice?
First I want to take away the pressure, so I suggest that she *not* try to have an orgasm. If I’m working with a couple, I ask them to agree for a while not to have sex. It seems contradictory, but it takes away the pressure. Then I ask them to start with nonsexual touch, like touch on the hand or arm.
I suggest to the woman (or couple) to try a light touch, then a firm one. She might experiment with a gentle squeeze, a long stroke, or tiny circles. See what it’s like with eyes open and eyes closed. I want her to feel relaxed, to have a sense of play. When this is comfortable, it’s easier to move toward more sexual touch, still with the agreement to not have an orgasm or make love. I want women to first focus on building desire.
8. Please share any success stories where you have helped a couple enjoy a better and more expressive sex life.
Diana (not her real name) said she loved her husband but sex had all but disappeared from their marriage. She and her husband were good friends but she felt they were drifting apart. When she tried talk to her husband about it, he said that everything was “fine.” When she said she wanted more, he took it as a statement that he was doing something wrong and got defensive.
I helped Diana understand that getting passion back in her marriage would take time and to have patience with herself. I helped her design and start a regular “date night” so the two of them would have some relaxed, unhurried time together. We talked about how to choose a good time and how to word things so her husband could hear that really she was not criticizing him but inviting him. The most important piece of what we did was asking Diana what kind of partner she wanted to be and what would help her be more of that kind of person. Getting clear about this helped her stay calm and not take it personally when he did get defensive. She persisted and eventually he responded. It took about six months. Now they are close, have a wonderful sex life…and best of all he thanked her for her efforts.
The path is different for each woman and each couple, because it’s really about learning what works for each other. If both partners still have some desire for the relationship, I believe that the embers can be fanned back into life. The relationship will be tested, to be sure, and it takes energy and commitment to rebuild connection. Passion and sexual connection can be part of a lifelong relationship. In fact, I’d argue that when couples learn to speak openly and honestly, listen thoughtfully, empathize with each other, have fun and play…then sex just gets better.
Interested in contributing to this blog? Guidelines
Copyright Ark Stories 2011
